Lab Rats

Today I am (again) talking about a lab rat named Alfred. He lives in a cage with another lab rat named Josephine.

Alfred: Josephine?
Josephine: Yes Alfred?
Alfred: Not trying to read you or anything but you look sickening today. Naomi-Cambell-realness girl.
Josephine: I’M FROM CHI-CA-GO! pause BITCH! snaps finger in a Z formation
Alfred: Josephine?
Josephine: Yes Alfred?
Alfred: Learn to take a compliment.

Josephine starts gnawing at her leg, while Alfred stares at a random spot in the distance.

Josephine: Name your top three of favourite mice
Alfred: Well, there’s Mickey of course, and The Brain…and then there’s that one with the human ear on his back.
Josephine: Oh yeah, he’s amazing. But don’t forget Ren.
Alfred: I’m pretty sure he’s a chihuahua.
Josephine: Uh. Well, that does explain a few things.
Alfred: That one mouse from Ratatouille…
Josephine: Gay.
Alfred: So gay.
Josephine: We sure are lucky our cage is close to the TV and that those scientist types love watching cartoons.
Alfred: What are they researching anyway?
Josephine: Once a week they measure my tail.
Alfred: They’ve never measured my tail.
Josephine: Well… awkward silence I wouldn’t worry about that, really, who cares right?

Suddenly, a third rat with a freakishly long tail is placed in their cage. He stares coldly at Alfred and Josephine. For no apparent reason.

Alfred: Erm, you know him?
Josephine: Who?
Alfred: This guy. He’s right there. I’m pretty sure he can hear me.
Josephine: pretends not to see the other rat So, anyway, all you need basically is a car battery and some candles, and then you take...
Alfred: Josephine, stop. What’s going on here?
Josephine: You’re being replaced.
Alfred: scared What?
Josephine: Yeah, he’s gonna snap your neck like a twig.

Fade out.