Suddenly, at NASA

You know how you’ve been sending radio signals into space for decades hoping for a response from another planet? Well, this is it. Please stop spamming us. We beg of you to stop! It’s not you, it’s us. We’re just not that into you. We only read the signals because we get bored sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we should engage into an inter-planetary alliance. From now on we’re just going to ignore you, so it’s no use to keep sending us those da Vinci drawings and that Martin Luther King speech anymore. We know already! You had a dream, fine, let’s move on. I’m sure there are other aliens out there that would love your carbon-based company. Maybe you should look into the Circinus constellation, we hear they throw wicked cocktail parties. We hope we don’t offend you by saying this, but please do not invent space travel. All that talk about travelling faster than light is bullshit anyway, trust us. You will NEVER reach us. Don’t even try. We would hate to use force, but we’re a highly developed race. We have dead rays. We will obliterate you. We admit, kittens are hilarious and True Blood is a pretty raunchy series, but we’re just not looking for something new. This is our first and final message to Earth, please have a nice, lonely existence until your sun blows up.

PS; those alien abductions are totally not us. Not to snitch on anyone, but where do you think they get the staff for those cocktail parties we told you about? Think about it…