Part Faif

Perhaps you are a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent, a dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread eagled on pillows forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm. Maybe if you spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five daughters, you'd be a little more alert. You know what I mean, just as Mr. Denton, I’m talking about onanism.

You know, dating Palmela Handerson, attacking the one-eyed purple warrior, bashing the bishop, bopping the bologna, burping the worm, cleaning the cheese off the George Foreman grill, consulting Professor Hans Jerkov, doing the jedi hand trick, driving the skin bus, firing off knuckle children, going to Bell-gium, keeping your sausage hostage, killing Tony Danza, let poor Willy know he’s still wanted, marshalling the man meat, playing the hairy banjo, shaking white coconuts from the veiny love tree, slapping the purple-headed yoghurt pistol, spanking the monkey, squeezing the eclair, stroking Gandalf’s beard, taking captain Picard up to warp speed, taming the beef weasel, waxing the dolphin, choking the smurf.....masturbating.

Do you even know what you’re doing? The very word ‘masturbation’ is derived from the Greek word mezea meaning penises and the Latin turbare, meaning ‘to disturb’. The little-used synonym for masturbation, manustupration, is derived from manus stuprare, which means ‘to defile with the hand.’ Come on, have a pull at it. I know you want to.

Done already? Welly welly well well.